Brilliant again. More more more, as you say. And I am weary of the same things.
I hadn't managed to read books with any consistency for a long while now and then in July I read one book that seemed to open the floodgates for me to go back to book reading, and now I am ravenous. Of course, the reading of books all the time has meant less time on my phone, reading Substack posts, which means (I think) less of me engaging with other writing, which means less of people engaging back, and that of course scratches the opposite side of the more more more itch you described so well. Sitting with that feeling has been uncomfortable but instructional. Do I want to go back to only reading posts online, because then some of those people will read my work and I will see those damn metrics go up (likes and shares and subscribes, oh my!) or do I want to read the long reads, the books, the slow, quiet stuff that takes days and weeks and sometimes months to finish, even if it's happening like a tree falls in the forest that no one hears?
the answer is that I want to do more of the second, and then read what I'm really drawn to read here, and if that means my numbers tick upward more slowly, or even tick downward, that's ok. I like it in the deep.
(I do of course have to caveat all this with the fact that I couldn't read at all two years ago. My brain had just about melted, and the only thing I could get through were online posts or articles. I think regular reading of Substack posts was a huge step in exercising my brain enough that it could handle books again).
"the answer is that I want to do more of the second, and then read what I'm really drawn to read here, and if that means my numbers tick upward more slowly, or even tick downward, that's ok. I like it in the deep", yes, right on!!
There really is some great writing here, and I don't want to entirely detach from the newsletters and blogs here that I enjoy, but I also sense that some of the ways I've engaged with the platform (and the internet at large!) comes from a desire to be contemporary, to know what's popular, to feel like I'm part of the broader culture, to feel less alone. Which is strange, because i usually feel the least alone (reading wise) when I'm reading physical books, especially fiction, but it's a muscle that easily atrophies when I fall under the spell of believing that all of my reading life can be online. It just really can't, I need the tactile experience of holding a book and turning pages, where reading can be a place that I enter for a brief moment before returning to real life.
For some reason (maybe because of your letter?) I really want to re-read LOTR and The Hobbit again. I think that's going to be a rainy-winter-night activity, just getting lost in middle earth again.
I agree with you - I think it’s the FOMO aspect of it, wanting to always be connected and always in on the conversation. And there is huge value in connection, but there is also huge value in having a rich inner life in your self. Separate from others.
I hope you do re-read LOTS and The Hobbit. I picked up LOTR again on a lark. Didn’t get far but I haven’t decided yet if I’ll keep reading or not. I do love the entire world he’s built.
This was wonderful. Tell me why your last line nearly made me cry?! I loved all these thoughts and the way you linked them. The thoughts of right life/wrong life resonate so much. We have discussed this briefly on notes once - but nothing screams wrong life than long term illness, and completely encourages an existential crisis of this is not the right life for me. But ultimately, over lots of time and therapy, I had to learn how to see bits of good and allow right & wrong life to merge together into just life. That is not to say I don’t panic often about the trajectory of my life that I have pretty minimal control over. Having to change my dreams & goals is a whole other aspect that I haven’t been able to come to terms with yet. Sometimes being in denial feels like you can trick your brain into ‘we will get to the right life soon’.
I must watch Perfect Days now! Thanks for this essay, it was so good!!
"over lots of time and therapy, I had to learn how to see bits of good and allow right & wrong life to merge together into just life," I think that's such a healthy perspective to bring to your life. It reminds me of the Steinbeck quote, from East of Eden; "And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good." Perfection, or even fully meeting the 'right life', are impossible aims, and endlessly going for them will drive a person mad! The only thing that a person can do is live their life, and living in a way that is close to what feels right to them. It sounds like you do a good job with that, probably better than I do!
And yes, it's such a lovely but quiet movie, I think you'll like it! And i'm excited to hear what you think about Transit :))
Loved your thoughts here, especially when you said "All I can focus on is the basket, and the weaving, and then setting it down on the river and allowing the water to take it." More and more I'm convinced that the only sustainable reason to write is because we enjoy the process. We have little to no control over who reads it, buys it, or is changed by it. All we have is what we're willing to put into it!
"More and more I'm convinced that the only sustainable reason to write is because we enjoy the process. We have little to no control over who reads it, buys it, or is changed by it. All we have is what we're willing to put into it!" You said it more concisely than I did! Completely agree, we have to hope that things that are created with care and love will someday find an audience, but focus on the parts of it that we can control. Thanks for reading Sarah!
oh i KNOW the word count game. this past summer, i did not reach my word count at all. but i did realize that i was trying to cram what few chapters i was able to scrawl into a plot format that is not working, not what i want, not the sort of novel i want to write. so that was a different sort of win. over the past year, i've turned to Deborah Levy (esp. The Cost of Living) and to Eileen Myles, whose essay on Thoreau basically gave me permission to work on a thing, fail with it, and then turn the thing into something else over time: https://agnionline.bu.edu/essay/a-walk-on-cape-cod/ (also the essay has laugh-out-loud moments, which i consider an act of grace - grace is something we should extend to ourselves.)
I haven't read that Levy one yet, adding it to my list! And wow, I just opened up that essay on Thoreau you shared and it's so up my alley, I'm really excited to read it.
'Grace' is absolutely something we should cultivate. I feel like that word could easily be a whole other essay (hell, it could probably be a book).
Success destroys writers. The longer you go without it, the better. Rare is the talent that can survive success. The guy in this movie that you mention (which sounds great btw!) avoids people because what if they actually liked his work? What if he became a tree planting celebrity and started appearing on shows and giving talks? What if crowds showed up to each planting? It would ruin everything.
Yes, love that thought of Hirayama and the mirror world where he tries to pursue fame. It sounds so tragic and sad but it's also just the lifecycle of virality and the social media economy -- it's sad to think about all of the young artists who have been broken by that need for success, and momentary glimpse of it before crashing.
Thanks for a thoughtful read. I loved Perfect Days, but I was troubled by its representation of class and in the end I felt its spiritual message was undermined by its failure to address material conditions related to work and art. The film is a kind of meditation on the idea that a simple job (cleaning toilets) can bring satisfaction and joy if done with dedication and love. This is a spiritual message. Of course this is a job usually done by women, working-class people, migrants. In the film eventually it transpires that the main character is from a wealthy family and that he has escaped some trauma by turning to this “simple life”. Most people in the world are living the wrong life not because they fail to recognise their own talent or take joy in the everyday but because of gross inequality and exploitation. The film dodges this reality and I think its beauty is scarred by that.
“Most people in the world are living the wrong life not because they fail to recognise their own talent or take joy in the everyday but because of gross inequality and exploitation.” I don’t disagree! Thanks for reading!
"But the wrong life strikes me as a thing of degrees, where you can be living some form of the wrong life while also doing things that are clearly part of the good life. That’s what I’ve begun to see in myself; a prevailing funny feeling that I’m not living in the right way, even though I am doing many of the things that ought to bring me joy." - I relate to this massively. In fact, today, in an attempt to try to correct this a little bit, I'm unplugging my Internet router and stowing it away in a cupboard, so that whenever I absolutely have to use the Internet I have to dig it out and go through the ordeal of setting it back up. Hopefully it'll give me back some of the hours I keep losing to the scroll!
This is the first I've ever seen of your work, but I enjoyed this piece a lot. Also, Walden <3
Jacob, that brings me so much joy!! I'm so glad that you're finding your own way to reclaim your hours and live a bit more deliberately. Let me know how it goes -- I'm excited to hear about it. And yes, Walden forever <3
I can't express enough how much I enjoyed this—you're so immensely thoughtful and introspective, and I related so much to that quiet, scraping fear of living the right life or the wrong life. Your insight that the wrong life is "a thing of degrees, where you can be living some form of the wrong life while also doing things that are clearly part of the good life"—that feels very true to me now, but it took a long time to arrive at that realization. There are things that seem objectively, unambiguously good to have in life, but their presence does not imply that this life, overall, is the right one for someone.
I also really loved Perfect Days and your analysis of it is so wonderful. It is dignified, even holy, to see someone so devoted to a creative practice that is totally private and needs no external justification or acclaim. It is also very tragic. And maybe that tragic quality doesn't imply that Hirayama is living the wrong life, but it is clearly a life with small compromises and constraints—and learning to cope with that is also part of finding the right life.
Thank you so much for writing this very beautiful essay!!
This really made me tear up Celine (darn you!!), but truly thank you, that's so kind of you. I absolutely love what you say about Hirayama's practice being 'dignified, even holy', because it really is that - there's something spiritual about his belief that repetitive creative practice can result in something beautiful. And yes, I think the part about compromises and constraints is essential to the movie. If the film had been about how beautiful and amazing his life was, it wouldn't have worked. Instead we're invited into his life, where we can see the consequences of the life that he's lived -- both the lacks in his life, but also the incredible joy and beauty.
Yes, I think there's something that is more true to life (not too moralizing, not too Pollyanna-ish) about depicting a life that is small and cramped in some ways, but centered fully and consciously on the RIGHT THINGS (for Hirayama!) in other ways.
It's always a pleasure to read your writing and share it with others—I'm really looking forward to your next essay!
Michael this essay is a brilliant analysis of how our creative pursuits are becoming increasingly a rat race, the same one that we swear we would defeat when we started writing. In my opinion, routine slightly smothers creativity and we end up creating too much of empty art if we force ourselves on a schedule. Although a healthy amount of discipline is crucial to a creative life, periodic inactivity is also essentially as important. I think it’s our obsession with productivity and eventually material success that we have brought to the table and told ourselves the story that more is better. Not living the right life? - Hustle hustle hustle.
This is exactly what ‘perfect days’ challenges. The idea that happiness is only ever attainable when one has checked all the boxes is total western nonsense. The movie informed me that to Hirayama it didn’t matter if he lived the right or wrong life, he could or couldn’t share his art with the world, because he is constantly living in the present moment which is his spiritual practice and hence he is deeply touched and moved by life and it’s unfolding without the interventions of thoughts. Hirayama is essentially like a cat who is discovering the same thing all over again tomorrow because he of his presence he is discovering something new everyday, his perception only keeps widening to the wonders of the world and that’s what overwhelms often (as at the end of the film). This also indicates that he has access to perpetual bliss and awe whenever he is paying attention to the present moment. Although his life is far from perfect as per social norms, he has abandoned the rat race for good and hence his days are far removed from the anxiety driven strife to live up to expectations and better judgments of others, hence his days are perfect nonetheless. I loved the movie, something told me that you are gonna write about it and you did. 🙂
"to Hirayama it didn’t matter if he lived the right or wrong life, he could or couldn’t share his art with the world, because he is constantly living in the present moment which is his spiritual practice and hence he is deeply touched and moved by life and it’s unfolding without the interventions of thoughts," yes exactly!! He's too busy living life to care whether or not he's living the 'right' way, or the 'wrong' way! And you're right, too, about those ideas of 'checking all the boxes' being western nonsense. They are complete nonsense. I feel the pull of those ideas so often, and I'm just so tired of them. Appreciate you as always <3 thanks for reading :)
Michael your perspective and flow of thoughts are always so intriguing and keep me thinking of certain things for a while, in this case I kept thinking of what it means to live a good life. Have you heard of susegad? I was reading about the philosophy of susegad and your essay fits beautifully into that. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Susegad
I love this essay and I am sure it will resonate for many writers here. As a visual artist I have been lulled into the same trappings of success over the past 20 years - high productivity, robust social media presence , exhibitions and of course sales .. after “retirement “ I feel a nudging to appreciate the process and experimentation and play now - I believe I have discovered the right life ..finally!
I know this interview with Rachel Cusk and wrote down that exact quote when I watched it. It lingered and lingered and occasionally it resurfaces in my consciousness - haunting, as you say.
Beautiful piece, Michael. A trite thing to say, perhaps, but I can’t help feeling the real success here is the clarity and poignancy, the vulnerability and truth and delicacy with which you poured parts of yourself into this particular vessel. It’s hard to be objective about whether a given piece succeeds or doesn’t. It’s why we look to word count, I guess. It’s quantitative. But the real metric, unfortunately, is qualitative. The instinctive feeling, that inner gauge you cultivate whenever you write. ‘How close did I get?’ Loved chancing upon this piece today. Thank you.
Thank you for this essay. It resonated with me so much and reminds me of a writer I discovered in Portugal many years ago - Fernando Pessoa. He lived that kind of life in many ways - wrote so many words, kept them in a box, and was discovered posthumously. I wonder if he would have become the icon that he is now in Portugal if he had reached success early.
(Thank-you, Michael, I was very affected by this and have a reminder set to watch what I think might be a perfect movie for me right now.)
It is perhaps a tangent too far, but on word counts… I am of an anorexic bent and am taken by how the scales have become a measure of failure (not success, even when it feels like it). The advice I receive from those caring for my health is to be rid of them… I’ve recently taken to only measuring for the GP on my fortnightly visits, and it has, I admit, helped. And I can see how being rid of them altogether would truly be “success” for me. I think I’ve found a way out of my hole by finding purpose rather than letting measurement obscure and suppress, though this might come to be another lie I tell myself. I cross my fingers with one hand, but cross against them with the other.
(By the way, if anyone’s reading, this isn’t me offering any “wisdom” - I’m talking from the hole, with gratitude for what else Michael’s lets me see. Outside of my disorder, the essay finds me in an inseparable-from-my-self region of creativity (appreciation and experience) that I’ve long struggled with. And I am inspired.)
Anyway, for what else it’s worth, I do have Walden, but I’ve not opened it as, in tiny font, I noticed I had bought a copy with that word I’m averse to, “abridged” (it might be fine, but “completism” is another pathology).
I believe that humans, or at least this one, are essentially restless. That's part of our nature. It's both a gift and an affliction. We get comfortable, then we start to get itchy. "I wonder what's over that hill?" I don't think there's any cure, and life is a practice at holding that restlessness while living a life. Not letting it rule me when I have something to do. And the thing I have to do involves sitting still, which is the most difficult thing for a restless person to do.
Perfect Life drove me nuts. I have a very different take, perhaps too cynical. I can't get past the fact that it was commissioned by the officials who built those toilets for the Olympics and wanted to create some buzz around them. It's a marketing piece. And the main character was completely stuck in the analog world. It felt less like art and more like nostalgia.
But I completely relate to your observation that he lacked other people. That reminded me of "Into the Wild," by John Krakauer. It's the story of a Timothy Treadwell, a young man who sought his own Walden and died in the Alaskan wilderness. Before he died, he wrote in his journal that, deep in his state of self-imposed isolation, he realized that loving other people was what he was missing.
Brilliant again. More more more, as you say. And I am weary of the same things.
I hadn't managed to read books with any consistency for a long while now and then in July I read one book that seemed to open the floodgates for me to go back to book reading, and now I am ravenous. Of course, the reading of books all the time has meant less time on my phone, reading Substack posts, which means (I think) less of me engaging with other writing, which means less of people engaging back, and that of course scratches the opposite side of the more more more itch you described so well. Sitting with that feeling has been uncomfortable but instructional. Do I want to go back to only reading posts online, because then some of those people will read my work and I will see those damn metrics go up (likes and shares and subscribes, oh my!) or do I want to read the long reads, the books, the slow, quiet stuff that takes days and weeks and sometimes months to finish, even if it's happening like a tree falls in the forest that no one hears?
the answer is that I want to do more of the second, and then read what I'm really drawn to read here, and if that means my numbers tick upward more slowly, or even tick downward, that's ok. I like it in the deep.
(I do of course have to caveat all this with the fact that I couldn't read at all two years ago. My brain had just about melted, and the only thing I could get through were online posts or articles. I think regular reading of Substack posts was a huge step in exercising my brain enough that it could handle books again).
"the answer is that I want to do more of the second, and then read what I'm really drawn to read here, and if that means my numbers tick upward more slowly, or even tick downward, that's ok. I like it in the deep", yes, right on!!
There really is some great writing here, and I don't want to entirely detach from the newsletters and blogs here that I enjoy, but I also sense that some of the ways I've engaged with the platform (and the internet at large!) comes from a desire to be contemporary, to know what's popular, to feel like I'm part of the broader culture, to feel less alone. Which is strange, because i usually feel the least alone (reading wise) when I'm reading physical books, especially fiction, but it's a muscle that easily atrophies when I fall under the spell of believing that all of my reading life can be online. It just really can't, I need the tactile experience of holding a book and turning pages, where reading can be a place that I enter for a brief moment before returning to real life.
For some reason (maybe because of your letter?) I really want to re-read LOTR and The Hobbit again. I think that's going to be a rainy-winter-night activity, just getting lost in middle earth again.
I agree with you - I think it’s the FOMO aspect of it, wanting to always be connected and always in on the conversation. And there is huge value in connection, but there is also huge value in having a rich inner life in your self. Separate from others.
I hope you do re-read LOTS and The Hobbit. I picked up LOTR again on a lark. Didn’t get far but I haven’t decided yet if I’ll keep reading or not. I do love the entire world he’s built.
This was wonderful. Tell me why your last line nearly made me cry?! I loved all these thoughts and the way you linked them. The thoughts of right life/wrong life resonate so much. We have discussed this briefly on notes once - but nothing screams wrong life than long term illness, and completely encourages an existential crisis of this is not the right life for me. But ultimately, over lots of time and therapy, I had to learn how to see bits of good and allow right & wrong life to merge together into just life. That is not to say I don’t panic often about the trajectory of my life that I have pretty minimal control over. Having to change my dreams & goals is a whole other aspect that I haven’t been able to come to terms with yet. Sometimes being in denial feels like you can trick your brain into ‘we will get to the right life soon’.
I must watch Perfect Days now! Thanks for this essay, it was so good!!
"over lots of time and therapy, I had to learn how to see bits of good and allow right & wrong life to merge together into just life," I think that's such a healthy perspective to bring to your life. It reminds me of the Steinbeck quote, from East of Eden; "And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good." Perfection, or even fully meeting the 'right life', are impossible aims, and endlessly going for them will drive a person mad! The only thing that a person can do is live their life, and living in a way that is close to what feels right to them. It sounds like you do a good job with that, probably better than I do!
And yes, it's such a lovely but quiet movie, I think you'll like it! And i'm excited to hear what you think about Transit :))
Loved your thoughts here, especially when you said "All I can focus on is the basket, and the weaving, and then setting it down on the river and allowing the water to take it." More and more I'm convinced that the only sustainable reason to write is because we enjoy the process. We have little to no control over who reads it, buys it, or is changed by it. All we have is what we're willing to put into it!
"More and more I'm convinced that the only sustainable reason to write is because we enjoy the process. We have little to no control over who reads it, buys it, or is changed by it. All we have is what we're willing to put into it!" You said it more concisely than I did! Completely agree, we have to hope that things that are created with care and love will someday find an audience, but focus on the parts of it that we can control. Thanks for reading Sarah!
oh i KNOW the word count game. this past summer, i did not reach my word count at all. but i did realize that i was trying to cram what few chapters i was able to scrawl into a plot format that is not working, not what i want, not the sort of novel i want to write. so that was a different sort of win. over the past year, i've turned to Deborah Levy (esp. The Cost of Living) and to Eileen Myles, whose essay on Thoreau basically gave me permission to work on a thing, fail with it, and then turn the thing into something else over time: https://agnionline.bu.edu/essay/a-walk-on-cape-cod/ (also the essay has laugh-out-loud moments, which i consider an act of grace - grace is something we should extend to ourselves.)
I haven't read that Levy one yet, adding it to my list! And wow, I just opened up that essay on Thoreau you shared and it's so up my alley, I'm really excited to read it.
'Grace' is absolutely something we should cultivate. I feel like that word could easily be a whole other essay (hell, it could probably be a book).
Success destroys writers. The longer you go without it, the better. Rare is the talent that can survive success. The guy in this movie that you mention (which sounds great btw!) avoids people because what if they actually liked his work? What if he became a tree planting celebrity and started appearing on shows and giving talks? What if crowds showed up to each planting? It would ruin everything.
Yes, love that thought of Hirayama and the mirror world where he tries to pursue fame. It sounds so tragic and sad but it's also just the lifecycle of virality and the social media economy -- it's sad to think about all of the young artists who have been broken by that need for success, and momentary glimpse of it before crashing.
Thanks for a thoughtful read. I loved Perfect Days, but I was troubled by its representation of class and in the end I felt its spiritual message was undermined by its failure to address material conditions related to work and art. The film is a kind of meditation on the idea that a simple job (cleaning toilets) can bring satisfaction and joy if done with dedication and love. This is a spiritual message. Of course this is a job usually done by women, working-class people, migrants. In the film eventually it transpires that the main character is from a wealthy family and that he has escaped some trauma by turning to this “simple life”. Most people in the world are living the wrong life not because they fail to recognise their own talent or take joy in the everyday but because of gross inequality and exploitation. The film dodges this reality and I think its beauty is scarred by that.
Thoughtful comment!
“Most people in the world are living the wrong life not because they fail to recognise their own talent or take joy in the everyday but because of gross inequality and exploitation.” I don’t disagree! Thanks for reading!
Gorgeous piece Michael, everything you wrote speaks to me deeply
Thank you Anna!!! That means a lot
"But the wrong life strikes me as a thing of degrees, where you can be living some form of the wrong life while also doing things that are clearly part of the good life. That’s what I’ve begun to see in myself; a prevailing funny feeling that I’m not living in the right way, even though I am doing many of the things that ought to bring me joy." - I relate to this massively. In fact, today, in an attempt to try to correct this a little bit, I'm unplugging my Internet router and stowing it away in a cupboard, so that whenever I absolutely have to use the Internet I have to dig it out and go through the ordeal of setting it back up. Hopefully it'll give me back some of the hours I keep losing to the scroll!
This is the first I've ever seen of your work, but I enjoyed this piece a lot. Also, Walden <3
Jacob, that brings me so much joy!! I'm so glad that you're finding your own way to reclaim your hours and live a bit more deliberately. Let me know how it goes -- I'm excited to hear about it. And yes, Walden forever <3
I can't express enough how much I enjoyed this—you're so immensely thoughtful and introspective, and I related so much to that quiet, scraping fear of living the right life or the wrong life. Your insight that the wrong life is "a thing of degrees, where you can be living some form of the wrong life while also doing things that are clearly part of the good life"—that feels very true to me now, but it took a long time to arrive at that realization. There are things that seem objectively, unambiguously good to have in life, but their presence does not imply that this life, overall, is the right one for someone.
I also really loved Perfect Days and your analysis of it is so wonderful. It is dignified, even holy, to see someone so devoted to a creative practice that is totally private and needs no external justification or acclaim. It is also very tragic. And maybe that tragic quality doesn't imply that Hirayama is living the wrong life, but it is clearly a life with small compromises and constraints—and learning to cope with that is also part of finding the right life.
Thank you so much for writing this very beautiful essay!!
This really made me tear up Celine (darn you!!), but truly thank you, that's so kind of you. I absolutely love what you say about Hirayama's practice being 'dignified, even holy', because it really is that - there's something spiritual about his belief that repetitive creative practice can result in something beautiful. And yes, I think the part about compromises and constraints is essential to the movie. If the film had been about how beautiful and amazing his life was, it wouldn't have worked. Instead we're invited into his life, where we can see the consequences of the life that he's lived -- both the lacks in his life, but also the incredible joy and beauty.
And thank you for reading! :)
Yes, I think there's something that is more true to life (not too moralizing, not too Pollyanna-ish) about depicting a life that is small and cramped in some ways, but centered fully and consciously on the RIGHT THINGS (for Hirayama!) in other ways.
It's always a pleasure to read your writing and share it with others—I'm really looking forward to your next essay!
Totally!!! And thank you, the same goes for you :) I really appreciate it
Michael this essay is a brilliant analysis of how our creative pursuits are becoming increasingly a rat race, the same one that we swear we would defeat when we started writing. In my opinion, routine slightly smothers creativity and we end up creating too much of empty art if we force ourselves on a schedule. Although a healthy amount of discipline is crucial to a creative life, periodic inactivity is also essentially as important. I think it’s our obsession with productivity and eventually material success that we have brought to the table and told ourselves the story that more is better. Not living the right life? - Hustle hustle hustle.
This is exactly what ‘perfect days’ challenges. The idea that happiness is only ever attainable when one has checked all the boxes is total western nonsense. The movie informed me that to Hirayama it didn’t matter if he lived the right or wrong life, he could or couldn’t share his art with the world, because he is constantly living in the present moment which is his spiritual practice and hence he is deeply touched and moved by life and it’s unfolding without the interventions of thoughts. Hirayama is essentially like a cat who is discovering the same thing all over again tomorrow because he of his presence he is discovering something new everyday, his perception only keeps widening to the wonders of the world and that’s what overwhelms often (as at the end of the film). This also indicates that he has access to perpetual bliss and awe whenever he is paying attention to the present moment. Although his life is far from perfect as per social norms, he has abandoned the rat race for good and hence his days are far removed from the anxiety driven strife to live up to expectations and better judgments of others, hence his days are perfect nonetheless. I loved the movie, something told me that you are gonna write about it and you did. 🙂
"to Hirayama it didn’t matter if he lived the right or wrong life, he could or couldn’t share his art with the world, because he is constantly living in the present moment which is his spiritual practice and hence he is deeply touched and moved by life and it’s unfolding without the interventions of thoughts," yes exactly!! He's too busy living life to care whether or not he's living the 'right' way, or the 'wrong' way! And you're right, too, about those ideas of 'checking all the boxes' being western nonsense. They are complete nonsense. I feel the pull of those ideas so often, and I'm just so tired of them. Appreciate you as always <3 thanks for reading :)
Michael your perspective and flow of thoughts are always so intriguing and keep me thinking of certain things for a while, in this case I kept thinking of what it means to live a good life. Have you heard of susegad? I was reading about the philosophy of susegad and your essay fits beautifully into that. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Susegad
I haven't!! I'm going to read more about this asap, thanks friend!!
Welcome friend 💜
I love this essay and I am sure it will resonate for many writers here. As a visual artist I have been lulled into the same trappings of success over the past 20 years - high productivity, robust social media presence , exhibitions and of course sales .. after “retirement “ I feel a nudging to appreciate the process and experimentation and play now - I believe I have discovered the right life ..finally!
I'm so glad that you're discovering the right life for you, that's lovely. Thanks so much for reading, Heather!!
I know this interview with Rachel Cusk and wrote down that exact quote when I watched it. It lingered and lingered and occasionally it resurfaces in my consciousness - haunting, as you say.
Beautiful piece, Michael. A trite thing to say, perhaps, but I can’t help feeling the real success here is the clarity and poignancy, the vulnerability and truth and delicacy with which you poured parts of yourself into this particular vessel. It’s hard to be objective about whether a given piece succeeds or doesn’t. It’s why we look to word count, I guess. It’s quantitative. But the real metric, unfortunately, is qualitative. The instinctive feeling, that inner gauge you cultivate whenever you write. ‘How close did I get?’ Loved chancing upon this piece today. Thank you.
Thank you for this essay. It resonated with me so much and reminds me of a writer I discovered in Portugal many years ago - Fernando Pessoa. He lived that kind of life in many ways - wrote so many words, kept them in a box, and was discovered posthumously. I wonder if he would have become the icon that he is now in Portugal if he had reached success early.
(Thank-you, Michael, I was very affected by this and have a reminder set to watch what I think might be a perfect movie for me right now.)
It is perhaps a tangent too far, but on word counts… I am of an anorexic bent and am taken by how the scales have become a measure of failure (not success, even when it feels like it). The advice I receive from those caring for my health is to be rid of them… I’ve recently taken to only measuring for the GP on my fortnightly visits, and it has, I admit, helped. And I can see how being rid of them altogether would truly be “success” for me. I think I’ve found a way out of my hole by finding purpose rather than letting measurement obscure and suppress, though this might come to be another lie I tell myself. I cross my fingers with one hand, but cross against them with the other.
(By the way, if anyone’s reading, this isn’t me offering any “wisdom” - I’m talking from the hole, with gratitude for what else Michael’s lets me see. Outside of my disorder, the essay finds me in an inseparable-from-my-self region of creativity (appreciation and experience) that I’ve long struggled with. And I am inspired.)
Anyway, for what else it’s worth, I do have Walden, but I’ve not opened it as, in tiny font, I noticed I had bought a copy with that word I’m averse to, “abridged” (it might be fine, but “completism” is another pathology).
I am rambling now…
I believe that humans, or at least this one, are essentially restless. That's part of our nature. It's both a gift and an affliction. We get comfortable, then we start to get itchy. "I wonder what's over that hill?" I don't think there's any cure, and life is a practice at holding that restlessness while living a life. Not letting it rule me when I have something to do. And the thing I have to do involves sitting still, which is the most difficult thing for a restless person to do.
Perfect Life drove me nuts. I have a very different take, perhaps too cynical. I can't get past the fact that it was commissioned by the officials who built those toilets for the Olympics and wanted to create some buzz around them. It's a marketing piece. And the main character was completely stuck in the analog world. It felt less like art and more like nostalgia.
But I completely relate to your observation that he lacked other people. That reminded me of "Into the Wild," by John Krakauer. It's the story of a Timothy Treadwell, a young man who sought his own Walden and died in the Alaskan wilderness. Before he died, he wrote in his journal that, deep in his state of self-imposed isolation, he realized that loving other people was what he was missing.